...I'm not okay.
Last Monday I went over to my father's house, because after I babysit I usually hang out there until my grampa picks me up. I father lives with his girlfriend and her 10-year-old kid... The girlfriend is totally crazy. They got into a fight because my dad doesn't know when to shut his fucking mouth, and I got involved.
When I was younger and living with my parents, I would get in between my mom and dad when they fought. When I got in the middle of them, I would put my elbows out. They wouldn't be able to hurt each other when I did this. I got hurt a lot when I was little because of this, but it never really mattered to me as long as they were both okay.
So I had to do this with my dad and his girlfriend, and it got to the point where they were beating the shit out of each other and I kept having to pull them off of each other, and the 10-year-old, Marsha, was in the room as well. When the girlfriend, Barbara, came at my dad with knives, I called 911. They were both arrested, Barbara got out way quicker than my dad did, and the fight was over.
However, over the past week, I have been questioned by the police three times, cps once, my councilor once, my aunt, my grandfather, and my mother, and I've been asked to testify in court, if things should go that way. I've been able to go to Al-anon meetings with my grandfather for the past few weeks and they've been helping with my problems, but I'm being stretched way too thin these days. I'm tired and I just want to sleep, but I need to help take care of Marsha as well.
I know what it's like to be taken away from your parents at age 10. I know what it's like to be alone when you're just getting into training bras. I know what it's like to not have anyone to help you out. I don't want her to ever feel like that, and over the last six days I've been doing everything in my power to help her and Barbara out.
You may be asking, why Barb? Well, because I don't blame her. I've been wanting to stab my dad since I was in sixth grade and I hate him. Also, Barb needs help with her house and home lately anyway.
But I've been so screwed up because of this whole thing that I'm getting everything mixed up. I'm having more panic attacks than before, and I'm so tired.... my therapist asked me why I'm even going to school under all this stress. That sort of weirded me out. I need to get my school work done, I need to do this. She then asked me if she wanted my teachers to know the situation... I'm a little angry with that. I don't want special treatment.
For right now, for those who care, I'm pissed at the world and I need help. Any advice from the non-masses?
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